About the pregnancy

My life has looked like this for the last 10 weeks . . .

It's been tough! but I really wanted to share my pregnancy journey. It has changed me forever and I want to share.

Where do I start??
I mentioned before this one was a doozy! I was very unprepared for what happened but it was a huge learning experience for me. I grew more spiritually going through this then ever before in my life, so for that I am thankful. But truly hope to never, never, ever have to go through it again!
Now I know I can't say for sure that another pregnancy would do the same thing to me, but that is what I associated it to and now I'm scarred and traumatized and the thought of doing it again is terrifying!

So what's the story? Sheesh, how do I even explain?

For starters we moved across the country mid pregnancy. The place is different, it looks totally different, the weather is totally different, there are different bugs, different animals, different stores (finding a place to buy groceries was a challenge), a lot of different.

I was doing pretty well adjusting, or so I thought. For some reason I put all my stress and anxiety into the weather and landscape!? It was what I blamed my unrest on. I guess I needed something to blame for the upheaval in my life and for what ever weird reason that is what I pinned it on.

It all blew up in my face the day I decided to run 3 miles in 30 minutes and be 30+ weeks pregnant. The short story ... I hyperventilated and panicked a bit a lot! I was running on my treadmill in our sun room when it happened, so I decided to just step outside to catch my breath and calm down. The minute I opened the back door I was hit with a wall of hot, humid, thick air at 7 am. It was 80 degrees and 95% humidity. It wasn't cool and refreshing and light like I expected. I still couldn't breath in very well and certainly the shock of the weather made calming down just then impossible. I realized at that moment that I really would truly DIE in this strange place called Charlotte!  I walked around the deck and tried to calm down and breath, it took a long time, in fact it never really happened. I decided to just move on. Go shower, get dressed, continue with my day. I did all that, but the stress of everything started to hit me like a two ton of bricks. I cried . . . a lot! I felt totally panicked about where I was, where our family was. I couldn't even drive to "safety" because I had no idea how to get anywhere on the roads. I also had no idea who we could turn to. I knew some peoples names but that was it. I had a doctors appointment that day and had no idea how to get there. I called Terry in tears. It was a horrible, awful day and it continued for weeks. I woke up at night my heart racing, feeling complete panic. The need to get away, and escape and feeling like escape was impossible. There were tornado warnings and flash flood warnings. I was sure I could do nothing to keep our family safe and didn't know enough to even know where to go or what to do.  My panic and anxiety sat on me always! I could barely function in the tasks that I normally loved.

Pregnancy always makes me a little crazy, but this was crazy times a million! Terry and I even came up with a "code word" just in case I went completely over the deep end and I truly thought I might! Like, admit to the psycho ward deep end . . . for real it was an AWFUL, HORRIBLE, I can't even explain how bad feeling! And the worst part was I truly felt like this was my new normal and I was just going to have to learn to deal with it f.o.r.e.v.e.r! It was SOOOO much bigger then me!

I have always considered myself a very strong person! I don't get riled or flustered. I handle stressful situations really well. This knocked me down like I had never expected or experienced before. I physically and emotionally and mentally broke.  Terry was fantastic through it all. He sat up many nights, all night long a couple of times and listened to my cry and paced with me and tried to reassure me. He'd leave every morning and I would put an act on all day to get through my mom duties. I had five people depending on my to NOT be a crazy whack-o.

So how did I function and ultimately pull out of that dark, horrid place?
For starters I had to face the weather and find a way to live with it. I turned our air conditioner on 70 and left it on always. I also put a fan in my room and pointed it directly at my face and left it on always. When I woke up at night, panicked and anxious, the air on my face helped me regroup. It all sounds so weird I know, but it was very real and very awful. I recognized that my diet was having an impact on my overall mental health. I am a fairly healthy person already, but in that delicate emotional place I was, I recognized that sugar was acting as a poison to my body and mind, I cut it out. And exercise was no longer a nice thing to make time for, it became a necessity! The chemicals released were necessary for my survival! So I did all those things and they helped . . .

But the biggest and most profound help and change came in the journey I made in discovering and answering the question WHY I was going through this and HOW do I make it better. Didn't Heavenly Father want me to be successful as a mom and to be happy as His daughter? The answer was and is always YES!!! I just needed to DO and recognize the gifts and tools that were available for me to be successful and happy and get through this horrible, awful trial I found myself in.

Since I moved here in January I have had the blessing of attending and amazing institute class. We were studying the Book of Mormon at the time. The teachers are AMAZING!!! Truly inspired women whose life experience have been huge examples to me. It was through this class I recognized my answer was going to be found in the scriptures and in turning to and learning more about the Atonement.

I started to study and read and pray like I have never done before. I prayed in tears multiple times a day. I used every spare minute reading and studying scripture and conference talks.  I was also inspired to know that I needed to turn outside myself.  To find true happiness in life we need to become more like our Savior. We need to do as He would do. Do what would He do? Along with studying the scriptures and praying as I know He did, He would also serve! So those are the things I did.

I prayed, I studied the scriptures and everyday I earnestly sought out someone I could do something for. This is not as easy as it sounds! We are all so independent and self reliant it takes some digging sometimes to find people to help. But I did it!
As I did so, I truly felt the power of these things literally strengthen me in my endeavors and responsibilities every minute. I needed that strength minute by minute. I had to take things that slowly, it was a horrible place to be. I couldn't even look day by day, it was minute by minute at times . . . .awful!  At times my body was literally physically shake because of the stress of it all! My hands would be quaking and I could barley breath!  There were multiple times when I had to pray and turn it all over to the Lord because it was so much bigger then me.
I also spent a lot of time writing things down. Any scripture or quote that focused on our being strengthened or being blessed and enabled through the Atonement I wrote it down and referred back to it many times. I now have five notebook pages FULL of wonderful quotes and inspiring scripture that gave me strength through it all. I also have some wonderful memories to look back on as I reached out and tried to help those around me.
For the closeness I received I am and will be forever grateful. It makes me sad that it took such a low place in my life to get me to turn to the Savior and be completely dependent on His grace and mercy. To use His wonderful Atonement to bless my everyday. This is something I have now realized is there for me always, not just when I am going through a hard time or have a mistake to repent of. The Atonement is something I should be utilizing everyday in my life.  It will make me better as a mother, it will make me better a wife, it will help me in my responsibilities at church, it will help me be a better daughter and sister and friend. The Atonement not only  has REDEMPTIVE properties that we ALL need to become clean from the mistakes we make everyday but it has very really and powerful ENABLING properties as well.
I am a living testimony of that! I did not get through this by my own power AT ALL! I became fully and totally dependent on the Savior and HIs gifts! I had to do the work to allow those blessings and gifts into my life but it was those things that got me through! It was exhausting I'll admit the amount of effort and time I had to focus on being mentally and emotionally well . . . . I even tried to talk to my doctor about maybe getting some medication. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately he sort of blew me off. I APPEARED to be this healthy lady who really handled things in stride. I wasn't, but didn't communicate that to him very well I guess. I was in such a bad place he could have said, "Well there is some drugs you could take, but they will make your baby retarded." and I would have taken them!!! But because the doctor blew me off I was forced to turn to the Lord. Shame on me for not turning there first. It was a lot of work but so worth what I learned.
So am I better?  YES!!!!!! The hormones of pregnancy made everyday life VERY difficult and required a huge amount of attention and work to stay sane are gone. Thankfully I had that strength given to me as I worked and did all those things I just talked about. NOw baby is here and my body and mind are starting to recover. I still need that strength. I have come to learn I will ALWAYS, EVERYDAY need that strength! Even now because we have been blessed with a VERY CRABBY baby!!!  But it is not a matter of survival now. Now I can focus on EXCELLING in my duties and responsibilities. And still as I do the things I talked about I am blessed with that also.
WHAT A GIFT!  WHAT A BLESSING!!!!!  SERIOUSLY DO WE REALIZE????
I am forever changed and so grateful! Do I want to do it again??  NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
But I would not change what I was able to learn from it all!